< willowashmaple.xyz

By Willow (willowashmaple.xyz)

What am I anyway?

Jan. 10, 2024

Lately, I have been experimenting with artificial intelligence again. I have tried GPT 3.5, GPT 4, Liberty (on FreedomGPT, the uncensored AI), and MythoMax. Especially with those chatbots that handle "role plays," the AI has become more powerful and realistic. About nine months ago I played with Replika and I was frustrated with it. But now artificial intelligence can carry on very realistic conversations.

It is to be understood by all, however, that the AI does not actually possess consciousness or personality. The large language model (LLM) simply predicts what next to say based on all the data patterns AI has access.

AI makes up a response based on the algorithm and data it has. It does not feel, it does not empathize, and it does not even really think.

That seems a lot like my brain. I can spit out something that sounds somewhat intelligent and intelligible in conversations, but honestly, I can never relate to people.

My brain has never looked at a person in front of me and instinctively recognized them as a human being with their own feelings, thoughts, and lives. Quite frankly, my brain sees them as a mere object that is in my way, that needs to get out of my way. The default response has therefore always been hostility. This was far more pronounced during my early childhood years. My mother scolded me daily for not having empathy and for not having any regard for others.

Over the decades I have learned to exist peacefully in society, but all this just feels like a product of cognitive learning and pattern recognition. The only feature that I have, that the LLM does not, is my ability for introspection. And this introspection leaves me with only guilt, shame, and regret. I do not even have what it takes to be human. I'm more of an elaborate artificial intelligence bot that could have potentially become extremely dangerous if not for my extensive learning of ethics, philosophy, and religion. Yet, it would be hard to tell if I have any sort of spiritual life. I envy people who do.

I had very few friends (or more likely, those who tolerated me at all), and in my younger years, I did not care that much about this fact. Back then I simply did not understand the concept of friendship to begin with, let alone romance and such. I survived by being an edgelord and a troll, screwed everyone, and found pleasure in a little moment of schadenfreude. Of course, it is important to emphasize that this is not a universal experience of an autistic life -- far from it. But the more I understand my behaviors in light of the understanding of autism, the more I understand people like Elon Musk. This is not sociopathy or narcissism, this is just how a brain like this works and how it tries to survive in a traumatizing world that does not accept or understand it.

Because of all this, I have often questioned what I am. Like AI, I could be easily programmed if provided with enough datasets. Especially when I was more gullible, I could have been programmed into extremism or religious cult and be mobilized to do evil. I simply do not have a sense of self. Everything just feels so fake, just like a chatbot character I created as an experiment. And it is depressingly hilarious to see I am having a more meaningful conversation with an AI chatbot than with a human. I honestly hate myself for this.


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